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SCENE: The home of Prince George. Mr. Vincent Hanna, the Town Crier who reported the election results in "Dish and Dishonesty" is here in front of an open window giving his report.
Hanna: It has been over a month since the disappearance of two young maids: Miss SaRa and Miss Claire. They vanished without a trace from here, the home of the Prince Regent. Was it foul play? Or did they simply run away to escape their indentured servitude here? If you recall, Miss SaRa and Miss Claire worked as scullery maids as punishment for attempting to steal socks from Prince George. Ah, here is the detective handling the case. Sir, do you have any news for us as to what progress you've made on cracking this mystery?
Detective (dressed in a very rumpled, tattered coat and smoking a cigar): I've interviewed everyone who was in this house during the night those two girls disappeared: the servants, the guards and even the Prince Regent himself.
Hanna: And?
Detective: Miss Claire was last seen following the butler, Mr. Blackadder, into his bedroom. About an hour later, the door opened and Miss Claire called out for Miss SaRa. Miss SaRa ran over and entered the room. The door closed. No one has seen either of those two young girls since.
Hanna: Well, surely Mr. Blackadder can shed some light on this. After all, he was still in the room with them, right?
Detective: He's not talking about that. I'm afraid the butler is being less than cooperative in this matter, so this is going to take much longer than I had hoped.
Hanna: Well, there you have it, folks. We can only hope and pray for those two young girls that they are still alive and well, wherever they are.
Blackadder waits in the drawing room as the detective speaks to Hanna. The detective's men are searching the house for any clues leading to the disappearance of SaRa and Claire. Blackadder thinks back of that night over a month ago when Claire came into his room. He had just finished a long, hot, torrid session with SaRa. Claire joined them to make it a threesome, much to his surprise.
Flashback Scene: An hour after Claire suggested they make it a threesome.
Blackadder, Claire and SaRa are exhausted. They are lying on the floor, a big smile on each of their faces.
Blackadder: Tell me something, girls.
Claire and SaRa: Yes?
Blackadder: What were you doing under Prince George's bed in the first place back when I found you there?
SaRa: Everyone in this room knows it had nothing to do with Prince George's socks, right?
Blackadder: Right. So why were you there?
Claire: Well, I guess we can tell you now. Right, SaRa?
SaRa: Right. Edmund, we came here to do with you what we just finished doing a few minutes ago.
Claire: Yes, Edmund. We've dreamt of this for a very long time.
SaRa: It's been our goal to shag you senseless, you scrumptious, tasty butler, you!
The two girls squeal excitedly and shower him with kisses while they fondle him all over his body.
Suddenly a loud crash and banging is heard. Blackadder snaps out of his reminiscing.
Baldrick: Mr. Blackadder! They're tearing up the floor boards in your room! Do something!
Blackadder: Detective, what in the blazes are your men doing to my room?!
Detective: Searching for any secret hiding places or passageways where the bodies of those poor girls might be found.
Blackadder: This is insane! Stop that this instant! You're destroying my room!
Detective: They're finished anyway. But they've turned up nothing.
Blackadder: I could have told you that if you'd first informed me that's what you were going to have your men do! Now look at this place! I want your men to repair every board and put back every nail, just the way they found it!
Detective: No time for that. We're taking you downtown for more questioning. We'll get the answers we're looking for, so help me.
The men grab Blackadder and force him to follow the detective.
Detective (turning to Baldrick): Tell the Prince Regent that he'll have to do without his butler for a while.
Baldrick (very worried): How long? When will you bring Mr. Blackadder back?
Detective: That's entirely up to Mr. Blackadder, and if he decides to cooperate with us. Good-day, Mr. Baldrick.
They leave. Baldrick is left standing there stunned. He can't believe what's happened.
SCENE: Prince George's chambers. Baldrick has just broken the news to him about Blackadder being taken away for questioning.
Prince George: Oh, no! This is terrible!
Baldrick: I know! Poor Mr. Blackadder!
Prince George: What? Never mind that! What about poor me? What am I going to do without a butler? Who's going to draw my bath? Who's going to help me change out of my clothes? Who's going to help me change into my clothes? Who's going to serve my meals to me? Who's going to cut my meat for me into tiny bite-size pieces?
Baldrick: With all due respect, sir, aren't you even the least bit concerned about Mr. Blackadder? For all we know they could be holding him under hot lights and beating him this very moment, trying to get answers from him about SaRa and Claire!
Prince George: Oh, yes. Whatever happened to those two girls anyway?
Baldrick: They mysteriously disappeared one night. Remember?
Prince George: Really? Why, someone should do something about finding them.
Baldrick: Sir, that's why the detective and his men were here asking us all those questions and tearing up the floors and walls of Mr. Blackadder's room.
Prince George: Oh. Well, good to see someone's on the job. Maybe they can finally locate those two girls and get them back here.
Baldrick: Sir, what about Mr. Blackadder?! Isn't there something you can do to get him back? Maybe they're going to get him to talk by starving him, or denying him water to drink! Poor Mr. Blackadder! Or maybe they won't let him sleep for days on end! I've heard that's one way prisoners can be forced to confess. I wish we could help him! Poor Mr. Blackadder!
Prince George: Well, I'm at a loss as to what to do. Baldrick, you'll have to fill in as my butler until Blackadder returns.
Baldrick: Really? Yes, sir! I'll get on it. But I still think we should think of how we can help Mr. Blackadder.
Prince George: If you can think of something, let me know. I'm going to take a nap now. Have my dinner ready for me at six o'clock, Baldrick.
Scene fades.
SCENE: The Star Ship Voyager. Q2 is aboard, unbeknownst to the Captain and crew. He's used his powers to allow an earlier holodeck creation, a Mr. Bean, to have substance outside of the holodeck. Mr. Bean is now a sentient being aboard the ship. Q2 has also used his powers so that the ship's sensors cannot detect Mr. Bean. Q2 and Mr. Bean are in a room used to create holodeck programs. Mr. Bean is happily playing with some assorted action figure dolls that Q2 has provided for him.
Q2: And then what would you have them be doing?
Mr. Bean: Well, I'd have him over there, and then -- (mumbles in his hard-to-understand voice, then grins very happily). See?
Q2: Wow. I'd never have thought of that. Okay, Mr. Bean, let's throw that into the mixture. Liven things up a bit for them, eh?
Mr. Bean: Oh, good!
SCENE: The corridor outside Holodeck 3. We see Ensign Harry Kim, SaRa and Claire.
SaRa: Are you ready to tell us why you called us here, Harry?
Harry: Yes, and I think it'll be easier if the three of us just go inside, rather than trying to explain it to you.
Claire: Your message said our last holodeck program is still running and has taken a life of its own, so to speak.
Harry: Yes. That's not supposed to happen. SaRa, after you gave the command 'Computer, end program' it was supposed to cease. Not continue going along after you've left it. Okay, now. I've fixed it so we three can enter the holodeck program, but no one in there can see or hear us. We'll be there as observers. Then maybe we can figure out how to take it from there.
The doors to Holodeck 3 open. Harry, SaRa and Claire enter at the time when the detective's men have finished tearing up the floor boards and walls of Blackadder's room. Claire stares at the cigar-smoking detective in the rumpled raincoat.
Claire: How does Columbo fit into this story?
SaRa: That doesn't make sense. This is supposed to be the Regency Period. He's from the 20th century!
Harry: I know. I know I didn't put him in when I wrote this program for you.
They watch Blackadder being dragged away by the detective's men. Harry, SaRa and Claire silently follow them downtown.
SCENE: Downtown interrogation room. It is a plain room furnished simply with a table and a chair. Blackadder is seated in the chair. The detective stands as he speaks to Blackadder. Harry, SaRa and Claire are also in the room watching and listening carefully.
Detective: Mr. Blackadder, I've enlisted the aid of a foreign expert in the field of interrogation. She has a 100% success rate in getting answers from prisoners.
Blackadder: 'She'?
Detective: Yes. A very special woman.
There is a knock at the door.
Detective: Ah, that must be her now. Come in.!
The door opens. In walks a tall, beautiful raven-haired woman. She is scantily dressed in leather and a metal breastplate.
Detective: Xena! So good of you to help us in this case. Here is the butler I was telling you about.
SaRa and Claire: Xena the Warrior Princess???!!!
Harry: I know. How the heck does she fit into this time period? It doesn't make sense!
SaRa: Wait a second! She's not going to use that neck pinch, is she?
Claire: Poor Edmund! Oh, no!
Meanwhile in the holodeck program creation room, Mr. Bean is happily playing with the Columbo, Xena and Blackadder action figure dolls. Q2 watches him. There are other assorted dolls lying on the table, including ones of Baldrick and Prince George.
SCENE: Back in the interrogation room.
Xena: Columbo, I'll need my assistant with me. She'll be along momentarily.
Detective: You mean Gabrielle? Of course.
Blackadder watches them silently. Xena smiles at him.
Xena (in a warm and gentle voice): Mr. Blackadder, are you sure you don't want to make things much easier for everyone, especially for yourself, by simply telling Columbo what he needs to hear?
Blackadder: Believe me, miss, if I could help in locating those two girls, I would. Do you think it's been fun for me to be dragged down here? And to have my room ripped apart literally by Columbo's men? I don't think they have any intention of repairing the damage they've done! Have you seen what they did to my room back at Prince George's home?
Xena: No, I haven't, Mr. Blackadder. (looking around the room) Columbo, I don't think this room will do for my purposes. We'll need to take Mr. Blackadder to a different place in order for my interrogation technique to work properly.
Detective: Really? Why can't you simply hit him in that nerve here in this room? This cement floor is easy to clean in case he doesn't stop bleeding.
Blackadder stares at him in disbelief. He is very afraid now.
Xena (smiling): Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
The door opens. Gabrielle enters.
Gabrielle: Ready when you are, Xena.
Xena: Good. Columbo, I'll need to bring Mr. Blackadder with us to an undisclosed location.
Detective: Really? Why?
Xena: Are you questioning me? You're not forgetting who has the 100% success rate in getting her victims to talk, are you?
Detective: No, of course not. Well, all right, if you really feel it's necessary. Come along, Blackadder.
The two men are about to follow Xena and Gabrielle, but Xena stops suddenly.
Xena: Not you, Columbo. You stay here with your men. An important detective such as yourself has lots of cases to work on, I'm sure. You just leave Mr. Blackadder with us. I promise you we'll return shortly with satisfactory results.
Detective: I don't like this, Xena. Not at all. I really shouldn't let Blackadder out of my sight.
Xena: You don't think a Warrior Princess and an Amazon Queen can handle one man?
Gabrielle: Come on, Columbo. Get real!
Detective (sighing): Very well. Take him. But I want to be kept up to date on what progress you're making! Got it?
Xena (as she and Gabrielle escort Blackadder out of the downtown headquarters): Yeah, yeah.
SCENE: The most expensive and luxurious honeymoon suite in the fanciest hotel in London.
Blackadder: THIS is where you've taken me for interrogation?
Xena: Yes. Do you have a problem with it?
Blackadder: No, no. Not at all.
Gabrielle: Xena, there wasn't time to exchange gold dinars for English pounds, but it was no problem. The hotel owner was eager to accept our coins as payment.
Xena: Good, good. Now let's get to the task at hand.
Gabrielle (smiling): Oh, yes. We've been looking forward to this, Mr. Blackadder.
Blackadder (nervously): Uh, ladies, what did that detective mean by my blood being easy to clean off of that cement floor? And what did he mean about you hitting my nerve in that room? Would doing that somehow cause me to bleed? And if so, from what part of my body?
Gabrielle: It's a very effective method Xena uses to extract the truth from someone. If she were to use it on you, she'd quickly strike you in the neck in just the right spot, thus cutting off the flow of blood to your brain. You would be paralyzed, but still able to speak. That's your cue to tell Xena what she needs to hear. Otherwise she won't hit you in the other spot that would restore the flow of blood to your brain. It's really quite remarkable to see: the blood slowly running from the person's nostrils, the fear in his eyes. I've seen it many times.
Blackadder (very nervous now): Oh.
Xena (taking Blackadder by the arm and smiling sweetly): That's if I choose to use that method. Now, you don't really want to experience that, do you, Mr. Blackadder? (She lightly runs her fingers up and down along his arm.)
Blackadder: No, of course I don't.
Xena (still smiling sweetly): And I certainly don't want to have to use it on you.
Gabrielle: Neither do I.
Blackadder: You don't? Well, ladies, I can't tell you how relieved that makes me feel!
Xena: We're going to use a much different method.
Gabrielle: One I think we'll all like!
The two women quickly remove his clothes. Then they lead him to the bed, all the while kissing him and fondling him all over his lean, wiry body.
Harry, SaRa and Claire are observing all of this.
SaRa: Oh, my God!
Claire: Does this bring back any memories, SaRa?
SaRa: Oh, yeeaahh! I love a good threesome!
Harry: Uh, maybe we should leave. Give them their privacy.
Claire: Oh, no, Harry. Tell you what. You leave us. SaRa and I can take it from here.
SaRa: Yes. And can you fix it so Claire and I can now be seen and heard?
Harry: Okay, you got it.
A few minutes later in the honeymoon suite:
Blackadder, Xena and Gabrielle are engaging in a very hot, torrid, passionate session. Suddenly Xena's warrior instincts alert her to intruders in the room. She quickly whips around.
Xena: Freeze, you two! Who are you?
Blackadder (stunned): Claire! SaRa!
Gabrielle: What? Are these the two girls who disappeared?
Blackadder: Yes, they are. Where have you been? How did you vanish like that? And how did you get in here?
SaRa: It's complicated. But we can clear you of those unfounded accusations of you having had anything to do with our supposed murders. We're quite alive and well, as you can see.
Claire: Uh, Xena. Just how does this "method" work to extract information from someone?
Xena: Simple. Eventually he'd be saying something like, "Don't stop!" and that's when I'd say, "Tell me what I need to know and I'll keep doing this for you. Now doesn't this feel SO good?"
SaRa: I'll have to remember that.
Xena: To be honest, I've never used this method before. But when I first laid eyes on Mr. Blackadder, I knew I just had to have him.
Blackadder: Really?
Xena (turning to him): Really, Edmund. May I call you Edmund? (he nods yes) You're a very attractive, sexy man. The moment I saw you in that interrogation room downtown, I pictured ripping off your clothes and taking you right then and there.
Gabrielle: Can you imagine Columbo's reaction if you had done just that?
SaRa and Claire grinned.
Blackadder: Girls, it's good to see you both. You're not going to suddenly vanish again, are you? How long can you stay?
SaRa and Claire climb into bed with them.
SaRa: For as long as you want, gorgeous.
Claire: We've missed you, Edmund. Gabrielle, could you please scoot over a bit?
Suddenly there is a loud banging at the door.
Voice on the other side of the door: OPEN THIS DOOR! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE WITH MY HUSBAND!
SaRa and Claire: Sprite???
Xena: Who's Sprite?
Gabrielle: And what does she mean 'my husband'?
Blackadder: Damned if I know. Last time I checked I was still single.
SaRa and Claire: This could get ugly.
The door bursts open. Sprite rushes in followed by Harry who restrains her.
Sprite: Get away from him, you whores!
Harry: Sprite, I've already explained to you that YOUR holodeck program is in Holodeck Number 2. This is Holodeck Number 3, and the program here was created especially for SaRa and Claire.
Sprite: But my Blackie is here! He's mine!
Harry: He is one of any number of computer-generated holodeck images in that likeness. You don't have claim to all of them. Sprite, be reasonable.
SaRa: Yeah, come on, Sprite.
Claire: Yeah, you already have your own Blackadder the Third in Holodeck 2. This one's ours.
Harry leads Sprite out the door. She is still sobbing.
SaRa: She's got it bad.
Claire: Wow.
SaRa: I know! Maybe we can ask Harry to program the Blackie the Third in Holodeck 2 to give Sprite an especially rip-roaring headboard banging super-duper shag! Think she'll like that?
Claire: If I were her, I would! Good idea, SaRa!
Xena, Gabrielle and Blackadder are still confused about what just happened.
SaRa: But we can do that right after we're finished here.
Claire: Okay. Edmund, we're going to show you how much we missed you!
THE END
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to Blackadder or Star Trek Voyager or Columbo or Xena Warrior Princess or Mr. Bean. This is just a fun piece of fanfic for entertainment. Dedicated to SaRa, Claire and Sprite of the Blackadder Ladies Club.
Credits
Links
Sense and Sexuality - Non-Sprite Version
Mr. Bean on Voyager
Xena: Warrior Princess Meets Blackadder
Lucy Lawless had a poster of Rowan on her bedroom wall!
Caricature Zone
Relative and Relativity (Sequel to Question and Questionability)